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Hypersexuality
As I began this journey of knowledge about Bipolar Disorder 1, I learned that the symptoms leaked into every area of a person’s well-being. So what is hypersexuality? An obsession with sexual thoughts, urges and behaviors. Hypersexuality rides along with mania. It is a form of sexual rumination mixed with risky behaviors. It is dangerous and scary, especially if the person has a partner.
My partner had a life way before me and struggled with hypersexuality as part of his manic episodes. This resulted in his stories about his interactions with strippers and XXX stars. I would listen with sadness and disgust to the stories since they did not correspond to the man I grew to love so dearly. A gentle and respectful man. But this hypersexuality caused a lot of fall-out in his life, most notably with an addiction to porn.
When I met him I did not know much about mania or hypersexuality, but I definitely didn’t know he struggled with a porn addiction. That came out over time and honestly with me catching him in the behaviors.
As all addictions are- this one is awful. Being deceptive in his usage, exacerbating his depression, causing shame and creating intimacy issues and problems. Why did he start this pattern 25 years ago? Boredom and escapism. Escaping from his own mind. Looking for some solace, some good feel-good chemicals. Unfortunately, this came with a steep price.
He has attempted to break this dirty little addiction before and interventions were put into place. A sex therapist was enlisted. With the moods not regulated the old habit took hold again and started to spiral over time. He was relapsing.
Now what? We’re finding him a new addiction program and therapist. He agreed to put a blocker on his phone that only I have the password to. We’re trying to find new things for him to channel his escapism into, productive methods.
It’s a devastating development in the journey. Partners feel lied to and betrayed by their partners as well as rejected in the bedroom. Trust needs to be re-built and intimacy restored.
I’m sad but I’m hopeful. For the first time, he says he wants this addictive behavior to stop and he’s willing to do anything to make that happen….for him and for us.
Some days I really hate this disease.
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DTRH Radio Show
On the radio, take a listen and enjoy the show. Inspirational and insightful.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dtrh-podcast/id1488262542?i=1000532196540
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Sharing the Light
Had an interesting conversation today with a supposed friend.
My daughter asked her daughter (both are High School Sophomores) to come with us to a faire this weekend. My son was willing to give her his ticket.
Well, this “friend” proceeded to insult the concept of the faire and my spirituality as well. The faire is a spiritual fun event, similar to a spiritual Woodstock. Live music, entertainment, vendors, spiritualists, food and drink (no alcohol). She said the faire will stir up the “devil in people.” She has never been to this faire before. Her daughter is very ill with an eating disorder and is interested in attending with my family. We were trying to bring her with us somewhere positive and full of light.The whole conversation brought to light how people judge what they don’t understand and instead of trying to understand it they would rather shame it. Similar to how people with a mental illness are treated.
Her daughter is very ill with an eating disorder. She needs to go into residential treatment for it. I hope she doesn’t carry shame and prevent her daughter the treatment and understanding she deserves. She is not open to talking about it in great detail. We need to not be afraid to talk about mental illness. We need to not be afraid of the implications or stigma. If we don’t talk about it –NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
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It’s reading time…
My passion is writing and speaking about mental health but I also spend a lot of time reading and researching about mental health. Here’s some books I have my eye on to check out. Let me know if you’ve read them and if they enlightened you. As they used to say in my elementary school, readers are leaders!
I did see Silver Linings Playbook with my significant other.
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Love-Listen-Talk-Repeat Podcast
I had a lovely conversation with Dr. Wendy Capewell. Check it out below, it will be posted on July 28, 2021.
Wendy is in the UK and I am in the US, but we both understand the issues surrounding mental illness, treatment and the need for supports. Mental Illness is a global pandemic that nobody seems to want to cure.
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The Stress of Grieving
I didn’t realize how stressful grieving can be. I’m learning how my family members must feel when they face depression. I had no motivation and I just wanted to be alone to think it all through. My thoughts were ruminating. There was darkness in my mind. Fear. The real culprit being sadness manifesting it’s way into everything. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my grief, it was so personal yet needed to be purged.
My depression derived from outside stimuli. Imagine if you’re own thoughts are the root cause? That’s living with a mental illness. I began to implement natural stress relievers into my life. For some ideas on things you can do, take a read here:
https://ecoki.com/8-all-natural-stress-relievers/
I needed to begin to come back to the land of the living.
In my grieving, I saw a beautiful post from a woman talking about her mom who had passed 20 years ago. She honored her mother in a way that made me want to meet the woman. All her quirks, habits, favorite foods and drinks, the glint in her eye and the pep in her step. The scarf she wore and the scent of her perfume. I thought to myself, that’s how you share and preserve their memory and legacy. It motivated me to write about RC. Let me introduce you to the man and his spirit, not the obituary.
He was always available for a call, he loved to talk…and talk…and talk. His favorite topics: politics, weather and traffic–and boy was he passionate about all three. He was the first to alert me about every storm. We are having a storm this week and I feel like I have to be the town weather crier to carry the torch of weather ambassador. He told everyone because he cared and he wanted to make sure they were safe.
He loved his snacks. He kept so many snacks in his car, his car got bugs! He carried a flavored water around with him all the time too. He was also the only person I know that enjoyed fish fillet sandwiches at McDonalds, not one but two at a time. Yuck!
He was a stickler for haircuts and nails. He complimented everybody on their hair and ladies on their painted nails. God forbid you needed a haircut, don’t let RC know, he would badger you to get one. His hair was always perfect. I hate to do my nails and he would lecture me about it, telling me “it’s the polish on the woman.” He was a cleanliness freak too about showering yet his personal space was as free-spirited and disorganized as his mind could be. He was a wild soul that wandered this earth; in his denim shorts in the summertime. Yes, we laughed at his denim shorts.
He liked to work-out and take power walks. He prided himself on his built arms. He did have really nice arms on a tall frame. He used to like to watch trains, especially old trains. He would take pictures of them and send them to me as he walked. He sent me so many pictures of so many things. His phone was always in his hand.
Lastly, he was very affectionate and caring towards me. Besides a listening ear he would compliment my pretty neck or tell me he would always love me. I believe love is infinite, so to me, he will love me forever.
I hope you feel you know him better now too. Just know he’d love to talk to you. He was bilingual, self-taught too.
RIP RC. I carry your legacy in my heart and with my words.
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Getting the Word Out
I’ve always been a helper. From a young girl, I was the one who wanted others to be happy and feel safe. As I got older, these characteristics became both a burden and a blessing. I choose to look at them as a blessing now but I have also added some boundaries along the way.
I really enjoy helping and teaching others who want to learn and better themselves.
That’s why I love my advocacy work. I get to talk to people about mental health and illness. I get to share my stories, hear their stories and discuss best practices. I get to practice mindfulness and selflessness.
Today, my piece about ADHD was published. Please read and support this great new magazine. I will be a regular contributor.
https://www.flipsnack.com/IAMHER/i-am-her-4.html
Stay tuned for links to my upcoming podcasts and articles.
With peace and love,
LEJ
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That Damn Phone!
Escape, entertainment, distraction, soothing, sleep aid…that damn phone!
My teenagers are always on their phones but my folks with bipolar are ALWAYS and a day on their phones. The phone interrupts true conversation and intimacy. The phone is used as an escape from their lives. The phone distracts their busy minds with useless noise.
The phone is their pacifer.
The phone can bring some terrible stuff into the bipolar fold. Violent videos, gaming, porn, the opportunities to cheat, avoidance of responsibilities, online gambling. Excess and destruction all around. Add in mania and you have a recipe for disaster.
How do we get them off their phones? They need to be called out and engaged. They need to know that the phone does not solve any problems or cure them, it is merely a distraction from the truth of their lives. There is no panacea to feel better. It takes treatment, medication, therapy, good supports and time to form better coping patterns and mechanisms.
When I look at those phones, I see pain. I see anguish, I see isolation.
I truly hate the damn phones!
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Let’s Mind Mental Illness Together
Welcome to my blog!
I am a Mental Illness Advocate but most importantly I’m a loved one to people diagnosed with a mental illness. I have watched and walked with my loved ones as they have navigated the cruel world of mental illness.
I have lived through the school of hard knocks with mental illness. My now estranged sister, my teenage son and my significant other all have struggled with mental illness. I have had mental illness orbiting me my whole life. I have witnessed what mental illness does to a family and to the people trying to manage it. I have seen my loved ones in psychiatric hospitals, threatening suicide, aggressive and violent, depressed for months, unable to work, unable to go to school, resisting treatment, unmedicated, undermedicated and overmedicated.
The only thing that has kept me going at times was love and hope. The love for that person and the hope for a better tomorrow.
I have cried. I have worried. I have prayed. Mostly alone.
But I believe I have been chosen. Chosen to tell their story and importantly the stories of those who support the mentally ill.
Join me on my journey.