• Hypersexuality

    September 1, 2021 /

    As I began this journey of knowledge about Bipolar Disorder 1, I learned that the symptoms leaked into every area of a person’s well-being. So what is hypersexuality? An obsession with sexual thoughts, urges and behaviors. Hypersexuality rides along with mania. It is a form of sexual rumination mixed with risky behaviors. It is dangerous and scary, especially if the person has a partner.

    My partner had a life way before me and struggled with hypersexuality as part of his manic episodes. This resulted in his stories about his interactions with strippers and XXX stars. I would listen with sadness and disgust to the stories since they did not correspond to the man I grew to love so dearly. A gentle and respectful man. But this hypersexuality caused a lot of fall-out in his life, most notably with an addiction to porn.

    When I met him I did not know much about mania or hypersexuality, but I definitely didn’t know he struggled with a porn addiction. That came out over time and honestly with me catching him in the behaviors.

    As all addictions are- this one is awful. Being deceptive in his usage, exacerbating his depression, causing shame and creating intimacy issues and problems. Why did he start this pattern 25 years ago? Boredom and escapism. Escaping from his own mind. Looking for some solace, some good feel-good chemicals. Unfortunately, this came with a steep price.

    He has attempted to break this dirty little addiction before and interventions were put into place. A sex therapist was enlisted. With the moods not regulated the old habit took hold again and started to spiral over time. He was relapsing.

    Now what? We’re finding him a new addiction program and therapist. He agreed to put a blocker on his phone that only I have the password to. We’re trying to find new things for him to channel his escapism into, productive methods.

    It’s a devastating development in the journey. Partners feel lied to and betrayed by their partners as well as rejected in the bedroom. Trust needs to be re-built and intimacy restored.

    I’m sad but I’m hopeful. For the first time, he says he wants this addictive behavior to stop and he’s willing to do anything to make that happen….for him and for us.

    Some days I really hate this disease.

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  • Happy Birthday

    August 15, 2021 /

    I lost someone very close to me a few months back. Yesterday was his birthday. He didn’t turn another earthly age but in a way he did. Memories of him have been around for all the years he was known to this universe. He was and remains loved into this current birth anniversary. I celebrated yesterday by going to visit his state, the state he called home but not really where his heart and soul lived or lives today.

    I pay homage to him in my heart. I don’t need a place, a photograph or a reason to do it.

    I am sad that he couldn’t be here to celebrate with us. I am sad that I carry his legacy, albeit flawed, alone. I hope and kind of know he’s with me still, watching and loving me. I throw him a kiss into the air back.

    This man caused an uproar in my life. He made me question who I am yet showed me the purest love I’d had ever known in my life. No one understood our connection and scorned us. I always felt they were jealous of our love or of our ongoing relationship that would not end.

    Friends judged, my narcissistic mother tried to “steal” his love, my kids shook theirs heads and laughed and an old friend thought I “stole” his friendship from her. None of these folks knew the truth and no one really cared to delve deeper.

    On his birthday weekend, I realize I am still mourning his earthly presence and will mourn it as long as I grace this planet.

    Grief and sadness ride on their own timetable.

    RIP RC ~~always in my heart.

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  • Sharing the Light

    August 7, 2021 /

    Had an interesting conversation today with a supposed friend. 


    My daughter asked her daughter (both are High School Sophomores) to come with us to a faire this weekend. My son was willing to give her his ticket. 


    Well, this “friend” proceeded to insult the concept of the faire and my spirituality as well. The faire is a spiritual fun event, similar to a spiritual Woodstock. Live music, entertainment, vendors, spiritualists, food and drink (no alcohol). She said the faire will stir up the “devil in people.” She has never been to this faire before. Her daughter is very ill with an eating disorder and is interested in attending with my family. We were trying to bring her with us somewhere positive and full of light. 

    The whole conversation brought to light how people judge what they don’t understand and instead of trying to understand it they would rather shame it. Similar to how people with a mental illness are treated.

    Her daughter is very ill with an eating disorder. She needs to go into residential treatment for it. I hope she doesn’t carry shame and prevent her daughter the treatment and understanding she deserves. She is not open to talking about it in great detail. We need to not be afraid to talk about mental illness. We need to not be afraid of the implications or stigma. If we don’t talk about it –NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

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  • It’s reading time…

    August 7, 2021 /

    My passion is writing and speaking about mental health but I also spend a lot of time reading and researching about mental health. Here’s some books I have my eye on to check out. Let me know if you’ve read them and if they enlightened you. As they used to say in my elementary school, readers are leaders!

    I did see Silver Linings Playbook with my significant other.

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  • Revive Ministries

    August 1, 2021 /

    I was on the Revive Ministries podcast, with the topic “Finding Freedom through Adversity.”

    Being adaptable and mutable has been my lifesaver throughout the years. Plus I always believe in a better tomorrow.

    Enjoy the podcast.

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  • Love-Listen-Talk-Repeat Podcast

    July 23, 2021 /

    I had a lovely conversation with Dr. Wendy Capewell. Check it out below, it will be posted on July 28, 2021.

    Wendy is in the UK and I am in the US, but we both understand the issues surrounding mental illness, treatment and the need for supports. Mental Illness is a global pandemic that nobody seems to want to cure.

    https://love-listen-talk-repeat.libsyn.com/104-lisa-jones-navigating-her-son-through-the-world-of-mental-illness.

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  • The Stress of Grieving

    July 8, 2021 /

    I didn’t realize how stressful grieving can be. I’m learning how my family members must feel when they face depression. I had no motivation and I just wanted to be alone to think it all through. My thoughts were ruminating. There was darkness in my mind. Fear. The real culprit being sadness manifesting it’s way into everything. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my grief, it was so personal yet needed to be purged.

    My depression derived from outside stimuli. Imagine if you’re own thoughts are the root cause? That’s living with a mental illness. I began to implement natural stress relievers into my life. For some ideas on things you can do, take a read here:

    https://ecoki.com/8-all-natural-stress-relievers/

    I needed to begin to come back to the land of the living.

    In my grieving, I saw a beautiful post from a woman talking about her mom who had passed 20 years ago. She honored her mother in a way that made me want to meet the woman. All her quirks, habits, favorite foods and drinks, the glint in her eye and the pep in her step. The scarf she wore and the scent of her perfume. I thought to myself, that’s how you share and preserve their memory and legacy. It motivated me to write about RC. Let me introduce you to the man and his spirit, not the obituary.

    He was always available for a call, he loved to talk…and talk…and talk. His favorite topics: politics, weather and traffic–and boy was he passionate about all three. He was the first to alert me about every storm. We are having a storm this week and I feel like I have to be the town weather crier to carry the torch of weather ambassador. He told everyone because he cared and he wanted to make sure they were safe.

    He loved his snacks. He kept so many snacks in his car, his car got bugs! He carried a flavored water around with him all the time too. He was also the only person I know that enjoyed fish fillet sandwiches at McDonalds, not one but two at a time. Yuck!

    He was a stickler for haircuts and nails. He complimented everybody on their hair and ladies on their painted nails. God forbid you needed a haircut, don’t let RC know, he would badger you to get one. His hair was always perfect. I hate to do my nails and he would lecture me about it, telling me “it’s the polish on the woman.” He was a cleanliness freak too about showering yet his personal space was as free-spirited and disorganized as his mind could be. He was a wild soul that wandered this earth; in his denim shorts in the summertime. Yes, we laughed at his denim shorts.

    He liked to work-out and take power walks. He prided himself on his built arms. He did have really nice arms on a tall frame. He used to like to watch trains, especially old trains. He would take pictures of them and send them to me as he walked. He sent me so many pictures of so many things. His phone was always in his hand.

    Lastly, he was very affectionate and caring towards me. Besides a listening ear he would compliment my pretty neck or tell me he would always love me. I believe love is infinite, so to me, he will love me forever.

    I hope you feel you know him better now too. Just know he’d love to talk to you. He was bilingual, self-taught too.

    RIP RC. I carry your legacy in my heart and with my words.

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  • Death

    June 20, 2021 /

    I had a death in my immediate circle recently. It was an ex-boyfriend who evolved into a close friend and confidante.

    The grief hit me hard. I couldn’t concentrate and I was engulfed in sadness and regret. We had a story together that was suffice to say, unconventional, but it was our story. Yes, our star-crossed story.

    His ex-wife and grown children blamed me for the break-up of his former marriage. In their distorted view, if I hadn’t appeared in his life, he would have agreed to return to his loveless sham of a marriage for longer than the 20 years he already participated in it. He decided to leave his marriage of his own accord, for his own happiness.

    And we were happy. For years, seven to be exact. People that knew him said he was never happier. Pictures show him laughing and smiling. Unfortunately, life was just a mess for both of us through those years. We were each other’s solace and escape. Most importantly, we were friends. We were best friends. We spoke the day he had that fateful stroke. We spoke about both our lives and our futures and when the conversation was drawing to a close, we didn’t know how to say goodbye to each other. It would be the last time I heard his voice in this lifetime.

    His death devastated me. We had been there for each other for years and now he was gone. His family was cruel to me during his impending death too. His vascular and heart problems that we didn’t know about had now left him paralyzed, unable to talk or swallow. His family let me know about the stroke but then thwarted me from seeing him in the hospital. A mutual friend was allowed to visit him and I asked her to let me FaceTime with him, which we did. He communicated with me by blinking. He told me he wanted to see me, alas, he died a few hours later. I know he wouldn’t die until we saw each other, albeit on a screen.

    I never really knew how depression could leave someone so unmotivated until this experience. I fell behind in my work and household chores. I felt like I was alive but as a spectator only. I think I finally understood more about depression than I ever did. His death also tested my faith and spirituality. I realized that I had to let my sadness and despair run it’s course. There were no words that anyone could say that would snap me out of it. As I moved more to center I understood what my significant other and son have been telling me for years. Just be there for us and let us work through our emotional pain. I used my grief to understand their mental illness journey better.

    I do plan on holding a memoriam for him around his birthday. I will celebrate his life and the life we once shared.

    I appreciate all the lessons he taught me and the kindness he showed towards me and my family. He understood my son was not always well and supported me through it. I am forever grateful.

    RIP RC, always in my heart.

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