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Hypersexuality
As I began this journey of knowledge about Bipolar Disorder 1, I learned that the symptoms leaked into every area of a person’s well-being. So what is hypersexuality? An obsession with sexual thoughts, urges and behaviors. Hypersexuality rides along with mania. It is a form of sexual rumination mixed with risky behaviors. It is dangerous and scary, especially if the person has a partner.
My partner had a life way before me and struggled with hypersexuality as part of his manic episodes. This resulted in his stories about his interactions with strippers and XXX stars. I would listen with sadness and disgust to the stories since they did not correspond to the man I grew to love so dearly. A gentle and respectful man. But this hypersexuality caused a lot of fall-out in his life, most notably with an addiction to porn.
When I met him I did not know much about mania or hypersexuality, but I definitely didn’t know he struggled with a porn addiction. That came out over time and honestly with me catching him in the behaviors.
As all addictions are- this one is awful. Being deceptive in his usage, exacerbating his depression, causing shame and creating intimacy issues and problems. Why did he start this pattern 25 years ago? Boredom and escapism. Escaping from his own mind. Looking for some solace, some good feel-good chemicals. Unfortunately, this came with a steep price.
He has attempted to break this dirty little addiction before and interventions were put into place. A sex therapist was enlisted. With the moods not regulated the old habit took hold again and started to spiral over time. He was relapsing.
Now what? We’re finding him a new addiction program and therapist. He agreed to put a blocker on his phone that only I have the password to. We’re trying to find new things for him to channel his escapism into, productive methods.
It’s a devastating development in the journey. Partners feel lied to and betrayed by their partners as well as rejected in the bedroom. Trust needs to be re-built and intimacy restored.
I’m sad but I’m hopeful. For the first time, he says he wants this addictive behavior to stop and he’s willing to do anything to make that happen….for him and for us.
Some days I really hate this disease.
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DTRH Radio Show
On the radio, take a listen and enjoy the show. Inspirational and insightful.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dtrh-podcast/id1488262542?i=1000532196540
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Sharing the Light
Had an interesting conversation today with a supposed friend.
My daughter asked her daughter (both are High School Sophomores) to come with us to a faire this weekend. My son was willing to give her his ticket.
Well, this “friend” proceeded to insult the concept of the faire and my spirituality as well. The faire is a spiritual fun event, similar to a spiritual Woodstock. Live music, entertainment, vendors, spiritualists, food and drink (no alcohol). She said the faire will stir up the “devil in people.” She has never been to this faire before. Her daughter is very ill with an eating disorder and is interested in attending with my family. We were trying to bring her with us somewhere positive and full of light.The whole conversation brought to light how people judge what they don’t understand and instead of trying to understand it they would rather shame it. Similar to how people with a mental illness are treated.
Her daughter is very ill with an eating disorder. She needs to go into residential treatment for it. I hope she doesn’t carry shame and prevent her daughter the treatment and understanding she deserves. She is not open to talking about it in great detail. We need to not be afraid to talk about mental illness. We need to not be afraid of the implications or stigma. If we don’t talk about it –NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
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It’s reading time…
My passion is writing and speaking about mental health but I also spend a lot of time reading and researching about mental health. Here’s some books I have my eye on to check out. Let me know if you’ve read them and if they enlightened you. As they used to say in my elementary school, readers are leaders!
I did see Silver Linings Playbook with my significant other.
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The Stress of Grieving
I didn’t realize how stressful grieving can be. I’m learning how my family members must feel when they face depression. I had no motivation and I just wanted to be alone to think it all through. My thoughts were ruminating. There was darkness in my mind. Fear. The real culprit being sadness manifesting it’s way into everything. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my grief, it was so personal yet needed to be purged.
My depression derived from outside stimuli. Imagine if you’re own thoughts are the root cause? That’s living with a mental illness. I began to implement natural stress relievers into my life. For some ideas on things you can do, take a read here:
https://ecoki.com/8-all-natural-stress-relievers/
I needed to begin to come back to the land of the living.
In my grieving, I saw a beautiful post from a woman talking about her mom who had passed 20 years ago. She honored her mother in a way that made me want to meet the woman. All her quirks, habits, favorite foods and drinks, the glint in her eye and the pep in her step. The scarf she wore and the scent of her perfume. I thought to myself, that’s how you share and preserve their memory and legacy. It motivated me to write about RC. Let me introduce you to the man and his spirit, not the obituary.
He was always available for a call, he loved to talk…and talk…and talk. His favorite topics: politics, weather and traffic–and boy was he passionate about all three. He was the first to alert me about every storm. We are having a storm this week and I feel like I have to be the town weather crier to carry the torch of weather ambassador. He told everyone because he cared and he wanted to make sure they were safe.
He loved his snacks. He kept so many snacks in his car, his car got bugs! He carried a flavored water around with him all the time too. He was also the only person I know that enjoyed fish fillet sandwiches at McDonalds, not one but two at a time. Yuck!
He was a stickler for haircuts and nails. He complimented everybody on their hair and ladies on their painted nails. God forbid you needed a haircut, don’t let RC know, he would badger you to get one. His hair was always perfect. I hate to do my nails and he would lecture me about it, telling me “it’s the polish on the woman.” He was a cleanliness freak too about showering yet his personal space was as free-spirited and disorganized as his mind could be. He was a wild soul that wandered this earth; in his denim shorts in the summertime. Yes, we laughed at his denim shorts.
He liked to work-out and take power walks. He prided himself on his built arms. He did have really nice arms on a tall frame. He used to like to watch trains, especially old trains. He would take pictures of them and send them to me as he walked. He sent me so many pictures of so many things. His phone was always in his hand.
Lastly, he was very affectionate and caring towards me. Besides a listening ear he would compliment my pretty neck or tell me he would always love me. I believe love is infinite, so to me, he will love me forever.
I hope you feel you know him better now too. Just know he’d love to talk to you. He was bilingual, self-taught too.
RIP RC. I carry your legacy in my heart and with my words.
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The Fire Blues
Back in December, 2019 we lost virtually everything, except our lives, in a major house-fire. It was horrible and the re-build process remains ongoing almost a year and half later. The most destructive thing it did to my family was play havoc with their mental health. My son ended up in a very bad depression with heightened anxiety post-fire. He began not taking his medication consistently and was very reckless in his behavior as well. People with bipolar disorder require routines and consistency. He lost his home, his possessions, his routine, his same surroundings and his comfort zone so it took a major toll on his mental health. For the last six months, he has been doing much better, after months of rage, fear and discomfort. His medications had to be changed and increased and he has learned to lean on friends and family more for support. It has been a trying almost two years for everyone in my family and the lessons we have learned have been a hard pill to swallow, for those suffering with a mental illness or not. Living through a house-fire can definitely leave a person with PTSD and anxiety but it also caused my family to be become extremely close. We lived through an experience together that most people will never understand.
Let me share some of our lessons learned:
1. Insurance companies are out to make money, not help people. Banks the same.
2. You will spend an enormous amount of time dealing with re-build and insurance issues, for years to follow. No, it’s not exciting, it’s annoying.
3. Acquaintances, friends and family are concerned/interested/saddened initially, but that fades quickly.
4. Houses take forever to re-build from scratch, including permits and plans.
5. A lot of contractors are BAD people and/or craftsmen but there are good ones out there. Do your research.
6. You don’t need attachment to things to be a whole person, memories are in your heart.
7. A few, new kind people will enter your life that will help and care. This will help restore your faith in humanity.
8. You still need to replace things even years later.
9. Nobody understands the trauma and loss associated with losing your home and everything in it unless you’ve lived through it.
10. The people you expect most to be supportive, caring and helpful will not be, so you will re-evaluate your circle.Those are big lessons to learn for a mature, high-functioning non-bipolar person. Imagine my poor 17/18 year-old son.
Adversity does build character and strength though, if you like it or not.
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Laying in Bed
I never take naps. I hate wasting time in bed. There’s so much to do, so much to see. Unless you’re in a bipolar depression that is. Bed is their sanctuary. My son can sleep for 24 hours when stressed and depressed. They hide from family, friends, work, school and life in general in that bed. The comforter becomes a wall to keep everyone at bay. So how do you get them out of the bed? That’s the million dollar question.
You can ask, you can beg, you can threaten doctors and hospitals, you can offer food–nothing will work to a great degree unless they want to and are ready to join the world again.
Seeing the pain in your eyes, will only move them so far. The pain in their souls is way more powerful.
Perhaps laying in bed with your partner makes them feel more connected, less isolated. It’s hard to say from a bystander’s viewpoint.
In my opinion, the bed should be for sleeping and you know what only. They make the bed into a sanctuary or as I think about it…. maybe it’s more of an emotional prison. They are safe there but there’s not much to do and nobody really wants to visit or stay with them there.
So, is staying in bed really helping restore them or is it just making matters even worse for our loved ones? It’s hard to say if they don’t even have the energy to lift their head off the pillow. I’ve gotten my loved ones out of the bed in that state. How? By offering up the things that THEY love to do. My significant other likes playing poker. If I ask if he wants to go play poker, even if he’s in that “place”, he’ll stir to get up and go.
As a joke, I’ve threatened to lock the bedroom door from the outside and only I have the key. He laughs but in a way I’m partially serious. The bed makes him feel safe but the world isn’t safe for anyone and we all have to face our demons. Maybe his demon is….why can’t I get out of bed this week? Well, what do we do then? Call the psychiatrist? Go play poker? You need a PLAN. A rescue plan. And that requires owning your depression, trusting your loved ones and contacting your treatment providers.
I want my loved ones in the world with me but we have to plan together to get them there.